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i have a seven-year-old and a four-year-old; neither of their fathers have ever been a part of their lives (my daughter's father was briefly a part of her life, but i stress briefly). my daughter seems somewhat bothered by this, wanting me to find a man to be her father. this is not something i'm likely to do; i feel very uncomfortable with men interacting with my children and just generally do not get along with people in relationships! i ask myself, from time to time, if i should talk with my children, especially my daughter (my son's father is incredibly sick- spiritually, emotionally) because she has siblings on that side, also, including an older brother who was at her birth. i feel like i'm being unfair to her siblings as well as her, by not talking to her about this. i did not force this man from our lives. i told him, nearly two years ago, that if he showed me some consistency, i would love to allow him to visit her and be a part of her life; i never heard from him again. he makes a big showing when he gets a new girlfriend, trying to show what a great dad he is and how awful the mothers of his children are, by contacting the mother and fighting with her about seeing his kids. he did this during the time we were together. i'm not willing to have an unreliable man acting like daddy when it is convenient for him to do so, however, if she wants to know these things but doesn't know how to ask, i don't want these questions just floating around her hurt little heart. one man, since she was born, has acted as her father, and she knows only about him, but i don't want her to find out the truth someday and feel like i've been lying to her..
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Iowa
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Re: telling single-parent children about absent parents
Mon, August 24, 2009 - 8:47 PMBeing divorced from my first husband (I am now remarried) I can tell you that I got very lucky. He is willing and able to be a fairly stable part of my older two children's lives. He makes a great effort and that has been so helpful. I'm sorry that your daughter has such a flaky dad. :( I'm not sure what you should do but if you think he's stable enough to take her out for an afternoon here and there then I would most definitely let him. It's not about you it's about her...and believe me...she will KNOW in years to come how it was and what went on and who WAS the stable loving caring parent that took care of her. But, if he calls and you are saying no because he can't be consistent then I don't think that is ok. Everyone is only capable of what they are capable and if he's only capable to show up once in awhile then I would most definitely adjust your schedule so that she can see her daddy. It's SO important for so many reasons for her to know him and have a chance to form opinions of him on her own. No matter how much you try to explain to her what a loser he is and how he doesn't care, etc...she WILL find out he made an attempt and she'll most likely blame you. And, she will thank you when she's older for letting her see him. Maybe he will have a change of heart after hanging out with her a few times and he'll want to see her on a more consistent basis. I can't express more how important it is to try and think of just her when you think about this...and not yourself. Don't let your own bitterness and resentment stand in the way of her and her dad. -
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Re: telling single-parent children about absent parents
Mon, August 24, 2009 - 10:49 PMit's not resentment that this is rooted in. i watched my niece and nephew go through so many years of their father being there when he wanted to be and making and breaking promises; there was no way to convince those children it was not their fault. i have no anger with the man; i just don't want him hurting my daughter. he has not ever bothered to see the girl walk; he has not tried to contact her in two years. i am comfortable with my decision to not seek him out, and, if he ever contacts us again, i am comfortable in my decision of asking him to show some consistency. my issue is with whether i should speak with her about this man who is out there, and particularly, about her seven siblings (six older, one six weeks younger- ya.. i left when i realized his life was a walking episode of jerry springer!). -
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Re: telling single-parent children about absent parents
Tue, August 25, 2009 - 8:32 AMOh yikes. That just stinks. Yeah, he doesn't sound capable at all. My guess is that he doesn't give you any financial support either.
I did find this site very helpful when I was going through my divorce. I bet there is some great info here. I found this article...but I bet there are more: www.family2000.org.uk/coping_...ther.htm
I think it all comes down to what you are comfortable with. Is she the child that is 7? She's most definitely getting to an age where she will demand more answers. I don't' know her but my guess is that you'll know when the time is right.
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Re: telling single-parent children about absent parents
Tue, August 25, 2009 - 6:32 PMi am watching my marriage fall apart every day. being on the brink is bringing up a lot of uncomfortable questions. i do not believe that my husband would remove himself from our daughters lives, but i am concerned about some of his behavior. i worry about him drinking more if he loses us, being consistent. this is what his father was for him, but i know this is not what he wants to be.
you know, i have known very few people in my life who had positive father relationships. the ones i did know i was always a little envious of. but despite the hurt, most are glad to have their fathers there at all, and i believe that this relationship is essential in whatever form it arrives, so long as it is not dangerous. my father died when i was five, and my mother left before i was two. despite the hurt and danger inherent in the relationship between he and my mother, moms still did the best to illuminate some connection to the man that made me. be honest with your kids. i know you are worried about the pain that a relationship with father might induce (even a theoretical relationship) but hurt is present regardless, even in total absence.
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Re: telling single-parent children about absent parents
Tue, August 25, 2009 - 7:32 PMi should wait til the appropriate moment to deal with these topics, though, right? should i be the one to open the dialogue?
thanks for the website; i'll check it out! -
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Re: telling single-parent children about absent parents
Tue, August 25, 2009 - 8:22 PMI think if you feel like she's stifling conversation because she's afraid then you could bring it up with her. But, mostly just try to find out how she's feeling and what she's thinking. Kids have amazing imaginations and she could have thought up herself a big ol' story that's not even true. Just be honest without giving too much info into "adult situations" ie: drugs, alcohol, abuse, etc. Explain that sometimes people have a hard time taking care of themselves and need help themselves. etc. It'll come natural. You just want her to know that it's not your choice to send him away...that he's choosing not to be a part of her life. :( Encourage her to talk to her friends too if any of them are in the same situation.
The website is great. There are others too. Just do a few Google searches. -
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Re: telling single-parent children about absent parents
Wed, August 26, 2009 - 11:38 AMif she is asking, it is the appropriate time. -
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Re: telling single-parent children about absent parents
Thu, August 27, 2009 - 10:38 AMTricky stuff!
I'm confused though, is your daughter four or seven?
Quick thought:
Sometimes when we try to explain people's troubling behaviors to our kids, we describe that person as "Still Learning..." to do something.
"he's still learning to think about others' feelings," or "still learning that smoking is bad for him," or...
It lets us be honest about reality, but lets everyone off the hook of judgment.
It helps fit puzzling stuff into the context of the philosophy that When you know better, you do better.
Kids relate to that well, since it is the stuff of daily life.
We've found it helps everyone keep compassion for the offender, and get enough distance that there's less temptation to believe that the bad behavior was provoked or deserved.
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Re: telling single-parent children about absent parents
Fri, August 28, 2009 - 12:07 AMAnn, I grew up in this very situation. I never knew my dad, nor did he ever attempt to make contact except as part of his AA counseling. My mother went through almost exactly what you are going through now, and I can say, having been the daughter of a single mother, that I too went through the "where's my daddy?" phase. My mother explained to me that my father made a lot of mistakes and she could not love him anymore, that he hurt her. Your daughter's father sounds about the same way: not really wanting to be involved, selfish. Your daughter may never really know her dad until she's much older...is this such a bad thing?
Be strong and honest with your daughter. Tell her just what she needs to know, no more and no less. You can explain it more and more as she gets older and can understand the situation a little more. Do you have support groups in your area. or playgroups for single moms? As long as she learns to be self-reliant she'll be just fine.
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Re: telling single-parent children about absent parents
Fri, August 28, 2009 - 2:39 PMThank you everyone, for the time you've taken to respond. Sometimes I can't tell if she's fishing for answers, or if I'm reading too much into what she says. Hopefully, my focus on teaching her to have a relationship with God (which she'll be able to define for herself as she gets older- she has a lot of exposure to concepts that are different than my own) will also help her in this (self-reliance meant reliance on God for me!).
When she was very young, I was very self-destructive, so it will help, when I explain things, to use a form of "he's still learning" with her. The poor dollie already understands too well how the grown-ups have their limits and need help sometimes.
Thanks, again!
